"she's to busy saving the world"

as i sit here and paint my nails yellow
listening to music
chatting on msn
creeping facebook,
i ponder about the world.
today i sat in a community booth in one of gothams malls
trying to collect money for the organization i work for
and raise awareness about what we do.
its kind of a run down mall
dirty
and has a crappy layout
no expensive-fancy-pancy stores
its halls are filled with working class people, often the working poor.
i even saw some clients that i know are homeless
we also spoke to some people who need our help and can give no money to us.
several times i heard "i need you more than you need me" or "right now isn't a good time - i may see you at work one day"
the fundraiser we were doing involves participants donating $2 and giving their solution to poverty.
many said it was such a hard questions and i agree.
how do we fix such a wide spread problem?
how do we solve something that ignores race, religion, sex and location?
how do we solve something most ignore?
how do we solve something that has so many different dimensions, has case by case differences and has affected millions of people?
its difficult to even wrap ones head around the complexities of poverty.
as a sociologist and historian, i know and understand why poverty exists in capitalism and how it developed overtime.
but the solution is much more complex.
i have a few ideas and so did most people i talked to today.

1. first, and quite obviously, get rid of capitalism. demolish corporate capitalism and move into communism - and not just some idea of labeled-red-scare - everything un-american-communism but actual karl marxs and frederich engles communism. that is, pockets of communities, equality of all, equal access to everything etc. to bad this would never happen. not only do you have those in power not letting this happen, telling us this can't happen because they build our desire for the american dream and to buy useless shit, humans are competitive - ie. mr darwin.
   
   
2. as a historian, i know that revolutionary change doesn't happen over night and i also know that it doesn't happen because of one person. instead, movements happen with clear leaders, organizers and groups but also with the support of masses of people ie. the french revolution, the american revolution, the russian revolution, the womens movement, african american movement etc etc etc. these revolutions, although different in purpose, place and time, essentially started with an idea for change and led to the masses (whether specific groups or not) pursuing the idea along side the leaders, leading to mass changes. why do i speak of this? well, couldn't demolishing poverty and helping the poor become a revolution? these changes occurred because a small group had an idea and their ideas were spread throughout society. the masses became educated on issues, while some already had the knowledge, but found courage in numbers and took action. my solution? education. educate society on the issues. stop ignoring poverty and rid of stigmatization. yes some will become educated and still not act. others will act. if enough people want change, the government will have to act. no government wants an unhappy populous to vote them out.
   
   
3. last but not least, nor any less of a solution is better government spending. out of the three, this is, i think, the less drastic idea since it works with the system in place and isn't revolutionary. instead i think its a government refocusing on whats important and who is important. at the same time though, for a country like the states, this would be a drastic change but it would be for the betterment of their nation and world at large. so the idea - spend more money on social programs and assistance and stop spending money on useless war. social programs would include health care, education, housing, assistance and job creation. there are several reasons why people become impoverished, including family break up and loss of jobs. the government though should be helping people get out of essentially coaxing as the poor. if money was spent better and not on useless wars that bring money into the capitalist big wigs then those at the bottom would have a better chance of getting out of their predicament.

well, those are my ideas.
whether you agree with them or not is up to you
think about your idea. what would you do?
at least this job is making me think.
i am glad that i can go home everyday knowing i am fighting something and helping someone.
its an awesome feeling!

the title of this post is actually a very important quote in my life.
its from one of my most favourite teachers in high school.
since i was very busy being a social activist in grade 12 especially
once a teacher asked me why i hadn't come by her office for something
and another teacher of mine in the room said "she's to busy saving the world"
and ever since then, its stuck with me.
something i want to live up to, want to describe my life and actually do.
it was a pretty defining moment for me.
so if i don't write on here, talk to you much, im to busy saving the world.

i am glad to see that in the summer, i can still think.

- ray charles
ps. at the mall, one of the security guards was so cute. DAMN BOY hahaha

flirty mcflirt flirt flirt

i think you were flirting
in all honesty, i am probably wrong
but it seemed like it.
i also noticed you starring at me
i tried to ignore it
and play it off as if you just happened to look my way
so i would make a funny face or give you a silly smile
i knew that it wasn't a glance or a moment when two sets of eyes meet by accident.
i knew, but i'll say that i don't.
i will convince myself to make it easier to deal with.
because if i don't, i will never get over you and thats a problem.
what is it about you? really, i'd like to know.
its making my life difficult.
maybe you need to stop being so easy to talk to
stop having similar likes and dislikes as me
stop having the same sense of humour as me
stop having the same taste in movies and shows
stop joking the same as i do
stop feeding off my jokes
and stop making me smile.
maybe that would work.
maybe then i'd think you are lame.
maybe then you wouldn't seem so special.
maybe then life would be easier.
liking you makes me feel so dumb.
i wish you liked me back.
i think we'd be good together, i think we'd be happy.
but wishing is a waste of time.
i've got no shooting stars to wish on or god to pray too.
i've got no luck or easy street to walk on.
instead, i'll continue living my life, letting you live yours.
and maybe one day, we will come together or one day we wont.
maybe one day, there will be someone else.
maybe one day, war will end, it will rain money and pigs will fly.
until then, i will continue living, cause what else would i do?

- ray charles

Expectations and Tired Metaphors

I wrote this a few weeks ago, it's a mix of angsty feelings and ideas lol...and it's been edited a little (because it was too personal and revealing haha). Begin rant now!

If you ask me to show you the place where
I crumbled to my knees shaking and trying to
Hold whatever self I had left to hold together
I don’t think I could because that place is
All over my room and my backyard and my driver’s seat
And my old locker and that staircase by the math department
And the bathroom of a hotel downtown
And some old cottage by the beach
And most certainly at your feet
That is the place where I keep finding myself
On my knees at your feet
I’ll put on my best dress and cover up
The disappointment written all over my face
So the night will be perfect
But the night never meets my expectations
I always end up shaking off the glitter and
Crawling into bed as late as I can
Even though I got home hours earlier
Because my home is feeling less like home
I’m tired of this place I’m in
It’s like everything is changing and nothing is changing
All at once
I’m just tired and exhausted and frustrated
And People keep leaving their hearts behind
I want to be done with my old metaphors
With not letting go, scotch tape hearts, tall walls and armies
The closer coast, black eyes, that car crash sort of feeling
I’m done
And I wish everyone would just
Get over themselves and
I wish someone would finally understand this
I’m writing for no one but myself
But I keep thinking how I want people to read it
And understand


+ Lorelie <3

i like notes

hellooooooooo to all those reading!
i am bored
and am listening to goldfinger!
woooooooooooo for old school
now have fun reading my answers to questions =]


This is going to be a deep survey. Can you handle it?
dude, do you know who i am

Have you ever had to choose between two people?
hahahaha i've never had to choose one

Does your favorite song remind you of anyone?
my favourite song....hmm. i have so many. i think they do remind of someone

Is it hard for you to imagine life away from your hometown?
not really, considering i'm away from gotham for 8 months. its hard to imagine my life with no contact with my friends

Has anybody really broken you, and if so, has it changed you?
um.... i guess. it opened my eyes

Are you in any kind of emotional pain right now?
no, long gone

Why did you last cry?
laughter

Is it easy to pretend everything's okay for you?
yes

Have you ever felt like somebody just forgot you existed?
yes. twice.

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?
yea

When was the last time you watched a horror movie?
uhhh nightmare on elm street i think in may

Do any girls/guys hate you because you went out with their ex?
dumb reason

Are you nice to everyone?
yea

Have you ever been called a tease?
no

Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family?
yes

Ever kissed a brown eyed person?
nope

Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo?
no

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
yep

When was the last time you had a real smile on your face?
today

Did you hug or kiss anyone today?
hugged

Do you like your siblings?
yep

Fess up, who was the last person you thought about kissing?
someone

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
depends

Has a guy ever let you wear his jacket?
yea

I bet you miss somebody right now?
yus

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
doubt it

Do you think things will change with-in the next month?
i will get older, wiser and the days will change. other than that, no

What's the last thing you drew?
i painted circles...does that count?

What were you doing this morning at 8?
sleeping like a baby

Do you believe that the world is gonna end at 2012?
no

Summer or winter?
winter with summer people and fun

Are you blonde?
not even

Would your parents get mad if you came home drunk?
no

Have you ever dated someone more than three years older than you?
never

When was the last time you spent the night at someone else's house?
ummmmmmmmmmmmm sleepovers haven't occurred in a while

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
depends on why they are saying hi to me. like some hot guy at a bar, yes because i would be like why is he saying hi to me? some random on the street, naw. its amusing

Have you ever skipped school just because you wanted to smoke?
no...thats stupid

How many friends do you have that have never smoked?
no idea...at least one

What color shirt were you wearing when you had your last kiss?
uh

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
yes =]

What are you currently listening to?
GOLDFINGER

Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with?
budds

What were you doing at 12 am last night?
12 am...watching tv.....

What's under your bed?
crap

Are you an asshole?
never

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
no, work

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
how about the last year

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
painting

Is anyone jealous of you?
the world is

Seven months ago, can you remember who you liked?
yes

What was the last thing you hid?
uh no idea

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
naw

Last person you told a secret to?
secret...no idea

Are you gonna get high later?
no

Last guy you talked to?
bro

What is something that you realized today?
i should paint more

How late did you stay up last night?
2? i think

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
i saw one yesterday, talking to one now and her name is LORELIE

Last reason why you were grounded?
because i am to much of a genius

What did you wear today?
skinny jeans, cardi and a blue and white stripped tank

Do you miss having a girlfriend/boyfriend?
can't miss something you've never had

Are you ever paranoid when someone is reading your text messages?
yea...especially between some people. but i never let anyone read them

Would you rather be called 'baby' or 'honey?'
depends who its from

Is there anything you wish you could say to an ex?
nothing

Do you sleep with a fan on?
no

Do you sleep on your stomach?
yes

Do you own skinny jeans?
that i do!

Do you know people with your last name that you aren't related to?
i've heard of people....don't know them

Where did you get your last bruise from?
probably walked into some type of corner of some type of table

Are you unhappy with someone right now?
not unhappy...annoyed

How many times has the last person you kissed made you cry?
no idea

What do you do when you're having a bad day?
nothing...literally

Get any compliments today?
hahaha no

Could you go a day without eating?
yep, done it before

Do you write notes on your body?
used to

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
no..

Last person you got in a fight with?
no idea

Last thing you lost?
no idea actually

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
no

Did your last kiss mean anything to you?
ugh

Are you constantly envious of others?
no..thats stupid. love yourself

Would your friends say you're a relaxed person or stressed?
relaxed

What do you find yourself worrying most about these days?
money, matters of the heart

Would you say it's hard to earn your trust?
yes for sure

Anything interesting happen this past week?
uhhhhh no

When was the last time you felt scared?
no idea

What's on your mind this very second?
male

Do you know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'?
yes i do thank ya very much

Do you correct other peoples grammar/spelling when talking to them online?
to be annoying yes

Is bacon one of your favorite foods?
not favourite...what the hell is with the love for bacon all of a sudden. i'm pretty sure its a trend of some sort like being a vampire or liking twilight.

Type five random letters:
cjdfs

Now, with those letters make a sentence:
can jellyfish do funny sounds?

What is one show you cannot stand on the TV?
most shows actually

Are you one of those people who like to sleep in on the weekends?
i sleep in during the week if i could. sleep trumps everything

Do you like things Vampire related?
nope. trend!

Which is better Face book or My space:
facebook. myspace was iight

Why did you choose your choice?
because i fucken feel like it! what are you, the choice police?

Have you ever cussed at a parent or teacher?
yep

When was the last time you saw snow?
april

Have you ever felt stupid after saying something?
yes

When was the last time you were sick?
no idea

Do you find yourself cold at the moment?
no

Has anyone ever drunk called/txted you?
yea

Do you wish you had more friends?
naw

You have three wishes, what are you wishing for?
world peace, all people have access to necessities and love

Is money really the root of all evil?
not all, but most

What was the last book you read?
something for school

Look to your right; what do you see?
pop

Are your nails currently long?
no

Do you find yourself trying to impress people often?
no reason to

Have you ever changed yourself to please someone else?
naw

Is there anyone you have a general fear of?
yes

Are you the kind of person who do not like talking about their past?
depends on who i am talking to. some stuff i rather forget

Do you tweeze your eyebrows?
yes

Have you ever had a wax before?
no

Are you more of a mommy's person or a daddy's person?
mom

What does your house smell like right now?
apparently my house always smells like italian food

If any of your gay guy friends were straight, would you date them?
no

If the guy you were planning on marrying had a ridiculous last name, would you just just keep your own?
depends

What was the last thing that impressed you?
hmmmm no idea

What do you think the best color combination is?
brown and teal. its sexy

When was the last time you were in a pet store?
yesterday with j!

Are you afraid of losing the person you like right now?
already lost...well never had so...

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
ye

Have you texted a lot today?
a bunch

Has anyone ever rhymed your name with another word?
yea...doesn't work

Is anything bothering you?
naw

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
yes

Are you missing anyone?
ye

Are you satisfied with how things are going?
not really but life goes on

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
how am i suppose to know

What's the most inappropriate text message in your inbox say? From who?
who knows

Have you ever tried your hardest, then got disappointed later on?
yea

Are you happier now? Or three months ago?
ummmmmmm now

Have you ever given up on someone, but then went back to them later?
no

Have you made any new regrets this year?
naw

Have you ever been arrested?
no

Do you know someone who has recently been arrested?
no

Do you know a secret about one of your friends that would embarrass them?
yes

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
yea

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
usually

Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed?
no

What's the last movie you saw at home?
ummmmmmmmm hmm no idea

Are you holding any grudges right now?
no

Last thing someone threw at you?
paper

Are any of your friends taller than you?
yea

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
j

Where were you on July 4th, 2008?
how am i to know

Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings?
no

Do you like to cuddle?
no

Does the thought of marriage scare you?
yes

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
once

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
yep

Where was your default picture taken?
stephs

Are you in a fight with anyone now?
no

Last thing you illegally did?
no idea

Do you have any bruises?
yep!

What is one thing that always needs to be in the fridge?
water

What smells better? Gasoline or permanent markers?
permanent markers

Anyone from your past ever come to mind often?
yes

life gets in the way

i haven't been on here
and haven't written much in a while
life has gotten in the way for sure
i have this new job, which is kinda similar to what my dream job would be
accept it would be at a different place
there are lots of stories i could share, but i don't even know where to start!
the other summer students i work with are awesome. we have so much fun together
the others i work with are..ugh. they treat us like crap, they take advantage of us and make us do their jobs.
its kinda annoying. luckily, i don't really have to work with many of them. i am working with a volunteer who seems okay. its weird to give people directions.
i really hope i can do good. i really really want to! its hard though. i spoke to a lot of assholes today too...some people are so rude!
so i've been working there and then doing my other job too.
i go to work and then drive to work ahaah
ugh.
i need the money so it works out i guess.
although i am so tired and kinda over my other job
just because of specific people..mainly one male.
i don't really know how to describe the situations or moments
but i hate it.
i hate it with a passion.
i am confused and its annoying feeling
but life goes on.
in 3 weeks i wont see him again for another 8 months...well really 9.
hopefully my heart can heal and smile again.
i am watching say yes to the dress haha. i watch this all the time
i dont know why!
i shouldn't at all
i don't like love shows and stuff
they are stupid.
i've also been seeing a lot of stuff on the g20.
its pretty interesting and hard to completely understand the situation with all the apparent censorship and control of the media.
some guy said the black bloc were planted by the state! why didn't think of something that cool..haha. i don't find it weird, and neither should you, that i am totally not surprised by that.
police state is one of the many terms being tossed around quite a bit...and seeing the images were speaking very much too it. and of course police brutality and human rights and stuff.
i watched the news often that weekend...it was so hard to watch.
i was really uncomfortable watching the police and the protesters standoff, yelling and horses chasing people and police beating people...
those images were not cool but i guess important to see.
what else have i been doing...as i type this, i think about how much my finger hurt!
i cut my knuckle today on a file in a filing cabinet...which i wasn't even looking in haha.
yea...weird eh.
i want to get a hair cut so bad but at work i always wear it up because it gets so damn hot.
its been RIDICULOUS this week. mid-40s! nuts!
so it means that i wear my hair up at work...so
i dont want to get it cut and then it never be down which would be crappy.
i wish the weekend was longer than 2 days.
i think it should be 5 days..
ahaha
okay i am done
PEACE
ray charles
x

I'm such a fool. To be honest, I knew I was being foolish a while ago, but I am the impractical dreamer, it's what I do. So here's a little poetic rant about something happening in my life right now...I'm silly, I know.


** Fool's Heart **

I'm tired of dead ends
God knows I've been one for far too long
And God knows I've been hitting them for what feels like forever
But when I finally feel ready to stop going around in circles
There I am facing a dead end once again
It's like I've been sucker punched in the heart
I'm driving down a road and even though
I thought I saw a dead end sign
I just keep going, fooling myself and my heart
Blinded by make belief and impractical dreams
I'm a fool
And now I'm starring at nothing
Road blocked and surrounded by nothing
Only thing I can do is turn back, turn away, turn around
Travelling in reverse is what I'm used to by now
Maybe that's why I keep rethinking my past
I'm just afraid one day I'll run out of gas like a car does
Stuck in reverse until I just
Stop
I want so bad to change roads, change direction, change my fool's heart
I think about how I was never able to make it work
How I've been waiting for something that I've made into someone
I never knew you, it shouldn't be this hard
But it's like all my hopes just collapsed in an instant
I'm an unlucky fool with a weak heart
I'm a sucker for dreams and make belief
So while I'm shifting gears into reverse and pulling myself together
You're living your life as if nothing ever happened
Because that's exactly what did happen; nothing
I'm a fool
So let the dead sea water wash over my thoughts
Let it flush out any traces of anything relating to you
I want so badly to flood this road I keep going down
So I can swim across these dead ends and find my way to shore
I want so badly for a lighthouse to spot me in the dark murky waters of this trench
So I can be guided home to a place that wants me
I want so badly for a ship to come along and take me aboard
So I can be a part of something, be a first mate to my captain
But it's all impossible, because I'm still stuck on this road
I may be a strong swimmer, but it's useless when you're land locked
Knowing that I won't be with you will torment me for a little while
But I've learned which things are insignificant in life
So I'm backing up and I'm letting go
Because there was nothing there to hold on to
But I know I'll be staring at this familiar dead end again
I'm a fool