day thirty one

Day 31 - A picture of you in your room

i have two rooms
home and school
this is me in my school room

this is my school room
it was hard to take these pictures because i have over 100 pictures in my room





room at home
ten days
i am pretty stressed out.
oh well

i got 86 on my sociology of race and ethnicity paper on native imagery and mascots in sports
not only am i happy
i wanted to impress my prof hardcore - she's the head of the ma program i want to get in
i of course put unneeded pressure on myself but for a good reason.

ray charles

My Room!!

Day 31 - A picture of you in your room

So I'm not actually in these photos in person, but you can see me in the picture frames in my room lol...i am in love with my room, i spend a lot of time in here, it represents "Lorelie" so well, it's exactly me!

day thirty

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

happy one month (30 days) of doing the challenge!!!
for all our readers, eat some cake!
in celebration i have looked at cake....


look at this one, wouldn't you want this as your wedding cake!!!!!!
i sure would



onto the question of the day

who do i miss
i miss a lot of people actually
my friends from home especially. i talk to them all the time, daily even and about everything but distance is hard especially when all you want to do is hang out and talk in person. msn and texting and emails can be so informal and impersonal but thats the nature of our lives now until we can all be together again. i still have possibly a year after this one so. but we have our entire lives to spend together
i also miss my cousin. shes amazing and we've become really close recently. we didn't grow up together because of uncontrollable circumstances but we've decided not to be like our family and spend lots of time together. we are so similar its unbelievable considering we didn't grow up together. but i love her to death and wish we could be around each other more often.
i miss the man with my heart. i miss talking to him and i miss being able to like him since now that he has a girlfriend, i feel like i'm wasting my time, which i am.

that's all.

happy one month!!!!

its also the last week of school, so i have three days left of this term
so exciting
i have a historiography to still complete which is due next monday. i have 4 books left to read for it.
and i have a take home due next friday the 10th which is the last thing i have due
so exciting!!!!

so that means: eleven days

i should be home in like fourteen/fifteen days!!!

ray charles

So this is continuous happiness

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

I obviously miss all of my friends who are away at university right now, I can’t wait until the holiday break when everyone’s home and we can all hang out again. I miss certain hockey players who are no longer in the NHL. I miss people I haven’t seen in a while, or friends who now live in other countries. But these people are people I will see again, so it’s not so bad. A few days ago I wrote about an old friend who passed away in November 2007...I really miss her. We grew up together, she used to live a few houses away from me, we were always at each others’ houses. But the last time I saw her was on a bus coming home from school. I hate everything about this situation. It’s definitely become easier the past year or two, but those first few months were awful. I didn’t except what had happened for a really long time, it just didn’t seem real to me. But it is real, and I will never see this person again. So I miss her the most. I won’t see my Grandpa again either, so of course I miss him just as much. Sometimes we take people for granted, or sometimes we forget how much someone means to us. I changed after what happened, for better and for worse, and I hope I never have to say goodbye to a friend again.

+ Lorelie

(ps. most of my blog titles are lyrics from songs I've written or by another artist...this one is from "Happiness by the Kilowatt" by Alexisonfire, Dallas wrote it for a teacher he loved who passed away.)

Pictures!!

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

I have to agree with Ray Charles that pics with my friends and family always make me smile, especially funny ones from birthdays or parties or the "jumping photos" we do. One in particular is from my 19th bday party where me and two of my friends are on a lawn chair in a very awkard position lol. I also love the photo of the Canadian men's hockey team winning gold at the Olympics, I used to have it on my wall.

I started covering my walls with photos, random pictures and posters in grade nine and it became too much by the end of highschool. Now my room looks a little more grown up, but I still have a bulletin board full of pictures, all my model UN name tags and random things I love, and I have picture frames all over my room with my favourite photos of friends and family. Beside my bulletin board is the photo board Ray Charles made for me which I love. I also have a painting my best friend did for me, she really captures "Lorelie" in the painting and the images have special meaning.

Oh and that's Finland being all badass on the USSR hahaha!

+ Lorelie

day twenty nine

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

so many pictures can make me smile
classic ones from high school with stina
ones from when i was a youngin
ones more recently from the apple orchard
and of course from last easter
christmas photos...
so many

but since im not putting my face up
ill put a picture from my random album


twelve days
ray charles

this is just a punk rock song!

instead of working on my historiography on punk in england in post-war europe
i am going to fill this out
as i very appropriately listen to the clash

1. Real name: ray charles, what up gangsta

2. Nickname: ray charles, bean, chelly

3. Zodiac Sign: leo

4. Male or female: female

5. Elementary: gv

6. High School: south park elementary - what time is it? KNIGHT TIME!

7. College: looniversity

8. Hair color: Brown

9. Tall or short: short

11. Sweats or Jeans: sweats when im at home, jeans when im out to play

12. Phone or Camera: both?

13. Health freak: not really

14. Orange or Apple: orange juice

15. Do you have a crush on someone: not really

16. Eat or Drink: drink

17. Piercings: 3

18. Pepsi or Coke: coke

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an airplane: to italia!

20.Been in a relationship: nope

21. Been in a car accident: bus accident

22. Been in a fist fight: play fights.

23. First piercing: ears

24. First best friend: sarah

25. First award: uh something with school

26. First Crush: probably...stephen or justin

27. First word(s): NO. no joke

29. Last person you talked to in person: j

30. Last person you texted: j

31. Last person you watched a movie with: hmm well movies in class don`t count but im pretty sure j

32. Last food you ate: js asian rice and pork chops

33. Last movie you watched: goofy movie

34. Last song you listen to: train vain by the clash!!! love it. look it up

35. Last thing you bought: coke and nerds for the party last night

36. Last person you hugged: buddha! he walked me home

FAVES:

37. Food: cheese steak

38. Drinks: peach something juice

39. Bottoms: pants

41. Animal: TURTLES

42. Colors: green and purple

43. Movies : hard to choose but definitely peter pan and jay and silent bob strike back

44. Subjects: history and sociology, obviously. and art. love art

(Put an X in the brackets if you have)

45. [ ] been in love with someone .

46. [x] celebrated Halloween.

47. [x] had your heart broken.

48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.

49. [] had someone question my sexual orientation.

51. [ ] got pregnant.

52. [ ] had an abortion.

53. [ ] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise.

55. [x] hid a secret.

56. [x] pretended to be happy.

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.

58. [ x] pretended to be sick.

59. [x] left the country.

60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try

62. [] ran a mile.

63. [x] went to the beach with your best friend.

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [x] hated someone.

66. [x] stayed single for 2 years.

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: gum

68. Drinking: coke

69. Listening: THE CLASH!

70. Sitting/Laying: sitting at my desk

71. Plans for today : continue reading stuff on punk

72. Waiting: school to be over

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids? yes

74. Want to get married? i do, but we`ll see

75. Career: changer of world? ha

76. Lips or eyes: eyes

77. Shorter or Taller: taller

78. Romantic or spontaneous: both are cute

81. Hook-up or relationship: relationship

82. Looks or personality: personality

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: sunglasses

84. Snuck out of a house: yes

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: never

86. Killed somebody: never... what kind of question is this

87. Broken someone's heart: not that i know of

88. Been in love: nope

89. Cried when someone died:yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself: sometimes.
91. Miracles: no
92. Love at first sight : you can love yes, but not be in love
93. Heaven: nope

94. Santa Clause: yes

95. Sex on the first date: no

96. Kiss on the first date: yea

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: a few people

98. Do you know who your real friends are: yes i do

99. Do you believe in God: nope
100. Post as 100 truths: this isnt a question.. this ist a cop out!

ray charles

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

I’m afraid of the following:

- Needles (i was always the kid crying when getting needles, and when i was like 15 i almost hit my doctor when he was giving me a needle, but i didn't mean to, it was a weird reflex uncontrollable arm thing lol)

- Not being able to fall in love
- Not getting my dream job in government
- Losing the people in my life that I care about
- That one day I will stop writing and believing

Anyways, that's what i'm afraid of haha. So while procrastinating i stumbled across some new music, and i'm absolutely loving it! If you haven't heard of Marina and the Diamonds, definately check her out...her songs are so catchy and she even writes them herself! Here's a link to my favourite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cr-SqRWImmI

+ Lorelie

day twenty eight

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.


so disgusting. hate them. even looking this photo up was nasty.

i am also afraid of failureand being alone forever


look how awkward this picture is



thirteen
ray charles

day twenty seven

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.


awesome pictures

fourteen days
ray charles

Mia Famiglia

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

This is me and my Grandma and Grandpa...I'm probably around about a year old, so this is most likely 1990. And apparently I'm a Blue Jays fan? lol...well hey, blue and white is also the colour of the Leafs haha.

And this is me and my brother, who is trying to feed me something that looks quite disgusting lol...he's turning 23 next week omgz!!

+ Lorelie (somone seriously needs to stop my procrastination)

day twenty six

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
the people that stick around
love you
care for you
and believe in you
that's what means the most to me

friends and family - you know who you are

fifteen days!
ray charles

When you can't compose yourself, compose a song.

I miss you a lot Bubble gum, and I still have the photo from my 12th birthday party of us framed in my room. Threes years ago was probably one of the worst times of my life. I know your family misses you terribly. I'm going to be your sister's sponsor for confirmation next year, that means a lot to me. I still regret how we stopped talking as much and how the last time i saw you was on the bus on the way home from school. But i miss you almost every day and i'll never forget you.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

A lot of things mean a lot to me. Obviously my family means the most to me, because they're my family lol. My friends mean a lot as well, sometimes they're like family to me. Then there are the things that mean a lot to me that are not actual people, such as writing and my poems and lyrics. There are material items like my stuffed animals, or gifts people have given me. And I guess hockey and the Leafs even mean a lot to me since I've loved them for so long. Ultimately, the peoplpe and things that make me who I am and help me get through life are the things that mean a lot to me.

+ Lorelie

(is death by procrastination possible?)

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

I didn't go to class today, I just don't care because the lecture is irrelevant to my paper and there is no exam for this class. Plus it's such a mission to to get to campus, especially with a broken toe. It's almost four weeks since I broke it, two more to go!

So below is a picture of my desk... I've been in my room pretty much all day, on my laptop mainly. You can see how my work is shoved to the side of my desk, and I'm not actually working on it lol. I had some coffee today, watched some tv (my soap opera has gone crazy dramatic because they killed of someone and brought someone else back from the dead, and the person charged with that guy's murder was just conviceted!). I'm hoping to get my reading logs done before the weekend, but that's what I said last weekend...procrastination, thy is my tragic flaw!



Winter break and Christmas hurrrrrry!

+ Lorelie

day twenty five

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

this is my day

lectureon


then i had a (seminar)
on german terrorism
i came home and

and then i ate
fin.

sex(six)teen days!
ray charles!

day twenty four

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

theres so much i wish i could change
the list could go on forever
i immediately think of changing the world:
inequality
racism
sexism
poverty
homelessness
addiction
abuse
abandonment

i'd also like to change:
cultural imperialism
white power and privilege

i'd change the world so that everyone had the same opportunities, had the power over themselves and everyone could prosper how they wish.

so much i'd change

one of my goals in life (that i haven't told a lot of people) is to one day have my own organization that helps under privileged children play sports. i believe strongly that in broken homes, children need a way out and sports and organized activities with children their own age is an excellent way out. they get to be a kid for that time, get to forget about their situation at home and interact with other children. it is important for general socialization and for allowing kids to be kids. often, it is hard to be kids in a situation with divorce, poverty and abuse, either physical or drug and alcohol. kids are forced to grow up and deal with issues no child should. in supporting the children play sports, it would alleviate their parents from paying for sports and would allow them to use their funding for food and shelter. i watched my own mother struggle to give us a normal childhood and i can't imagine other kids going through what i did. every kid needs a way out and they always don't have access to it.

seventeen days
ray charles

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Oh boy, there are several things I wish I could change lol. Some days I wish I could change my hair, or my body, or my skin, or all three. Some days I wish I could change things about my life. I wish the Leafs were better and won more games (they did last night though!). I wish the world was as warm and beautiful as my naive heart sometimes thinks it is. Sometimes I wish I lived in a condo in Toronto and not at home with my family in the suburbs. I wish I didn’t waste opportunities. I wish I could change the minds of certain people and certain friends, and make them see things differently. I wish there was no poverty, or homelessness, or destruction of nature. I wish I could change the way the world works, change peoples’ minds, change hearts, change perspectives...change everything.

But obviously none of that will happen. I can’t change everything as much as I sometimes wish I could. I’ve been working since highschool to get to a place where I’ll have the ability to change things, that’s one of the main reasons why I want to get into politics. But right now, there’s not much I can do. I hate that I am no longer an “activist” and that I no longer participate in food drives or fundraising campaigns. Those things only create a little change, but it’s better than no change at all.

However, I don’t think I can pick just one thing to change to be honest. There’s too much I think about changing. One important thing I think about often is something that happened three years ago on the 25th...this one I wish I could change badly. I know a lot of people’s lives changed that night, and I wish to God it didn’t happen. But it did, and there’s nothing I can humanly do about it now. We live and learn, and we keep living, trying to change what we can. We make the best out of everything that happens, because sometimes dwelling on things we want to change just hurts us more. It's not like we can go back in time anyway.

+ Lorelie

A really great poet writes the poetry that they dare not realize.

Day 23 - A picture of your favourite book. Well, I don't really read for fun either, I've never been a huge fan of reading like some friends i know. But I do have favourite books, they're the only books i've ever really read for fun these past few years.

Hey Nostradamus! By Douglas Coupland - one of my good friends gave this to me as a Christmas present two years ago, and he coulnd't have picked a better book for me! It's so amazing and brilliant and moving, plus Douglas Coupland is an incredible Canadian author. It deals with the life of a man after a shooting at his highschool when he was younger, and it's broken into four chapters where the point of view changes from different people in his life.


The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde - This book has it's boring parts, but Oscar Wilde is such a creative writer! He's like a poet almost, the way he comes up with such clever lines. This story is about a young man who becomes so vain after a painted uses him as a model, that he make a sort of deal with the devil to stay young and beautiful frrever.


Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk - I decided to read this book three years ago because i found out one of my favourite songs ("Time to Dance" by Panic! at the Disco) was based on it. It's a twisted story about a former model who's face got shot off travelling with a transgender woman (a man who wants to be a woman, she totally makes the story).


+ Lorelie

day twenty three

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.


i don't have a favourite book
because i don't read for fun
and never have
but dr seuss and strega nona were always my favourite to read
and remind me of good times in my childhood

eighteen days!
ray charles

Day 22 - Something you wish you were better at

So there are a few things I wish I was better at:

- Better at getting my work done! I used to finish homework during class so I wouldn't have to do it at home...now I don't think there's a paper I haven't written the night before it's due lol.

- A better singer & better at playing music, so I could bring my songs to life.

- Better at sports, especially hockey...I never played on a team or anything, but maybe if I had I'd be better...I love hockey but I'm an awful skater lol.

Ya, so those are like my top 3, I'm pretty good at everything else hahahaha! Lets see if I can get some work done today!!

ps. Today's my parents' 29th anniversary! It was interesting asking them about stuff leading up to their wedding day...I asked my dad about his bachelor party, and let's just say my mom didn't know certain things lol!

+ Lorelie

Forget vs. Remember

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

I don’t have a picture of anything I want to forget, because if there’s a photo it’s so I can remember it. Hmmm... there have been awful times in my life, but I don’t know if I’d want to forget any of them. I also think that you shouldn’t regret things because at the time it’s exactly what you wanted. And the bad things in my life have made me who I am today and have made me a stronger person. Everything happened for a reason I suppose, and I don’t think I’d have the same views, opinions or strengths I do now if I just forgot them.

Some things make me sad when I dwell on them however. Like thinking about a friend who passed away three years ago. It’s easier than it was, but it’s still tough. I don’t ever want to forget her, but I guess I want to forget that she’s gone. But that’s really the only thing I can think about wishing to forget. Well, that and how the Leafs haven't won the Cup in 43 years lol.

Back to procrastinating! I watched the video Ray Charles posted, and I just want to say Rick Mercer is amazing!

+ Lorelie

day twenty one

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

i have several problems with this question
and i don't think i can even answer it
from personal experience and first hand experience
i know that no matter what happens to you
that something makes you who you are
growing up in pain, growing up scared and worried about coming home everyday after school
wondering if dinner would be on the table, if the electricity would still be on and if the locks on the door were changed
hearing the fights and the tears and feeling overly confused
not being able to love someone you should
and hating someone you shouldn't
being 7 and feeling like you are twenty
living in poverty and seeing the world from the point of view
seeing what your friends have family wise and material wise and wondering why you
i'd love to forget every time i cried, every time i ran away from him and every time he lied
but what would that do?
this experience has made me me
i would never forget it

i apply this to everything in my life
like when i lost my best friend
when my heart was broken (still is really) by some guy
when i work my fucken ass off on an assignment
everything.
i don't want to forget something ever
life throws everything at me, it really does
and if i forgot my past or something, i wouldn't be able to get threw it

i've coined a saying:
my life has never been easy. why should it start now?

so my answer to this question:
there isn't a something i'd like to forget

this is an awesome campaign that fits with this question




twenty days!
ray charles

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

JAPAN! I've always wanted to visit Japan, ever since I was a kid. I think it has something to do with me growing up watching anime lol, but I just love everything about Japan. I've written papers on Shintoism (Shinto is considered Japan's national religion) and I would love to visit a real Shinto shrine. I want to visit the old historical areas and the busy city of Tokyo (where I would definately get lost because it's huge!). I also want to visit Hong Kong which isn't too far away from Japan. I enjoy walking through Chinatown, which happens to be beside my university, but I know it's not really comparable to the real thing. One day I will go to Japan! I have to do it!

I also want to visit Sicily/Italy, Finland, British Columbia, go skiing at Whistler and Banff, travel to the east coast....do an across Canada trip maybe. But Japan is definately my #1!

day twenty

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

this is home - avellino italy

i plan on going to bc one day


either place
i could just sit and stare at four hours

haha i thought this was funny
this is just food for thought
spoken word is something i've been study for the past few weeks
as a way for marginalized individuals to speak about their lives and empower themselves
very powerful stuff



twenty one days
ray charles

day nineteen

Day 19 - A Picture of you when you were little

nice bathing suit eh

twenty two days
ray charles

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little

I didn't feel like looking for all the old photos from when I was younger my mom has hidden somewhere lol, so I found a few I had in an album in my room. The one below is from what I think is my 8th birthday party (it says 1997 on the back) with my two best friends who lived on my street. We did everything together and hung out all the time in the summer. I'm the one in the middle.

Now I must get back to procrastinating.

+ Lorelie

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Ok, so this one required some research. I couldn’t think of any “insecurities” so I decided to look up some information. Not that I don’t have problems or issues or anything, because trust me I do. Just the term “insecurity” could mean different things, and the things wrong with me I wouldn’t consider insecurities lol.

1) Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.

Hmmm. I do get nervous sometimes, like when I’m in a new class with new people. But I usually make friends and become more comfortable. I don’t feel unloved, inadequate or worthless beyond the moments where I sometimes let things get to me and everything snowballs into me feeling depressed like crap – but that doesn’t happen often. So I don’t think this exactly applies to me.

2) As insecurity can be distressing and feel threatening to the psyche, it can often be accompanied by a controlling personality type or avoidance, as psychological defence mechanisms.

Controlling personality type = you like to control things. I know I’m kind of a control freak. I like to plan and organize everything, even something as simple as going to the movies. I just need to know EXACTLY what is going on. I have certain ways of doing things too (like how I hang my clothes in my closet, or how I keep my cash tray at work, etc) and I feel the need to change things done by other people if it’s different. But I’m sure other people act that way and I think most of that has to do with my obsessive compulsiveness lol.

Next would be “avoidance,” I don’t avoid situations or social environments because I feel socially inept or whatever, so this one doesn’t apply to me. I think I fit the norm where I don’t socialize with people on the go bus because I like my space, but I will talk to people in class and at parties lol.

So I’m back to feeling confused again...I’m not saying I don’t have insecurities, but I think mine are not the typical psychological kind. I feel insecure sometimes when I don’t feel smart enough or good enough, like when I’m with certain people from certain classes or certain clubs at university. I also feel insecure sometimes when I feel like all my friends are doing things without me or I feel left out – this one is probably my biggest insecurity. But I know my friends love me and I just make myself feel that way. I’m insecure about the way I look I suppose, I am a bit vain. I won’t go to school or work without make up on my face and my hair done. I’m always looking at my reflection in mirrors or windows. But again, I’m vain and think I’m pretty so I don’t know if I’m insecure about it in the typical way.

The more I think about it more, I’ve come t realize I may have another insecurity...I don’t know if it’s an insecurity, but I’ll put it anyways. It’s not that I don’t trust people, I just like to keep certain things private. I don’t know why. They say insecurities and all this psychological stuff relates to our childhood, but my childhood was alright, nothing eventful really happened. I was a weird kid sometimes...I also had to make sure I got amazing grades and made sure everyone knew how smart I was so they would come to me for help. But nothing from back then really explains my insecurity or inability to trust people.

I trust people to a certain degree. I trust my family and my best friends enough to tell them most things about my life or school or other things. But it’s the things I’ve never told anyone that bother me. Like, I never told my mom or family about the guys I dated in highschool...I've told her about them now that I'm in university and she got mad that I never told her before lol. I also keep my writing a secret from almost everyone. Even more, I’ve never had a successful relationship, and the one that appeared to be doing well was such a sham. In the end he realized I wasn’t telling him everything (he told me this), and he knew things weren’t right. I would never hold his hand, I hated public displays of affection, I never made the first move, I never told him things I’ve always wanted to tell someone who cared about me... maybe it’s because he wasn’t the right guy, or maybe it’s because I was too damaged from a previous relationship (which wasn’t really a relationship, but more of five years of bullshit). Maybe it’s just me being me and keeping these secrets and memories dead and buried. But they always attempt to resurrect themselves...like when my mind isn’t sober. I’ve written a lot of poetry, lyrics and prose about this issue. I just need someone who will stick around long enough to make my walls crumble and slaughter my armies (I found it funny reading about Ray Charles’ moat with crocodiles metaphor, because I also have my own).

Alright, this is ridiculously long. I’ll end it here with some selected lines of pieces that deal with this issue of mine...each separate verse is from a different poem and it’s kind of randomly put together. Whatever, blah!!


You’re not allowed to touch those memories
They’ve been buried there to decompose
Barricaded and hidden
Paralyzed I suppose
Aged through time maybe they will eventually become sweet
But until then they’re memories you’ll never meet

I’ve put up walls and set up armies
Taller than the CN Tower and tougher than your skin

Just get it over with
Make my walls crumble
Slaughter my armies
I wouldn’t hate him, I’d thank him
Just do it already
Don’t think that I’m not trying
Because I’m doing the best I can for someone like me
But God knows I’m trying. I am
And God knows I want this. I do
I’ve put up walls and set up armies
For him to break down. If he can. I hope he can

And it probably is for the best
And I probably will forget you soon
After all, I spared you from the dirty, bloody, murdered memories wrestling in me
That was my downfall, that I couldn’t let you in
And my innate wanting to settle scores with the past and with you

I’ve got secrets
That I attempted to kill
That I attempted to bury
There are things you shouldn’t know
There are things you won’t know
And then there are these things
These things that scrape, and claw, and scar, and scream
From the inside out
I mourn for them
Because they’re dead to me
These regrets, and lies, and secrets and memories

But they keep coming back
These things you can never meet
Because I know
What you will think
And how you will see me differently
If you ever found out
So let them stay dead
No resurrections tonight

But resurrections are bound to happen
When you don't bury your memories and secrets deep enough
When you are incapable of letting go
And when all the "what ifs" and "could have beens" are bringing shovels
The dead won't stay dead, but then again, you buried them alive
So they're coming back for round two
Ya, they're coming for you
And they're bringing re-enforcements and secret weapon secrets
They're throwing grenades filled with regrets
And shooting memories like bullets
But your trench is your sanctuary
Where you've dug your photos into the walls
And you don't mind the mud or the cold
Because it's better than being out there


+ Lorelie

day eighteen

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

i think there are lots of people who would say i don't have many insecurities
i am perceived as really confident whether it comes to school or talking to people
many people who only know me in a certain situation ie. in school or at work or at the arena often think i have men kissing the floor i walk on. i get asked about my boyfriend a lot, how he is doing and get the most shocked expressions ever when i tell them i don't have one. guys and girls alike expect me to have one and don't believe me when i tell them i don't. i was once told that i was lying and then they persisted in asking me. others also don't believe that there are no guys in my life (just for the record, the only men in my life are my brothers and an entire league of inline players).

my biggest insecurity is the way i look
i can say there's never been a day where i felt pretty or okay with how i look
i often walk around fine and confident and whatever about it because i don't think it ruins my life or day
my insecurity comes when pictures are taken of me where i have no control over the camera
my insecurity comes when i think about how people perceive me
my insecurity comes when i look in a mirror and i feel like when i left the house i looked better
and mainly, my insecurity comes when i look at picture or in the mirror and i don't feel like i look like that

i often feel like my eyes are larger, my nose is smaller, my hair looks better and my smile is nicer

i know several friends who hate me for feeling like this
and will tell me i'm beautiful and such
i don't ever believe them, because i don't feel like i am
and they don't mean it because they are saying it to make me feel better

within the last few years too my mom and brothers often call me beautiful
never have i heard that until then
and i don't know why they do it but its weird

i don't think confidence in how i look will come necessary with a man
and i rather it not come from that
but it would be nice to feel special i suppose

i rather one day be okay with how i look
and take compliments without questioning intention

ray charles

-twenty three days

The Best is Something I Won't Know

I'm posting this in advance of tomorrow's post (day 18 - your biggest insecurity) because i've been thinking about it and writing...and well, i've written like two pages of nonesens. I decided my poetry/prose/lyrics can best describe how I feel, and in this case my insecurities. I began writing the piece below in June 2009 and finished it by adding verses 4 and 5 in October 2009 (which were based off of different feelings and don't really deal with my insecurities).

The Best is Something I Won't Know

You slip into my veins
And make my neck hurt
I'm conflicted with growing pains
Trying to make this work
But it's not you, it's me
And that's the truth
I do my best
But my best won't

I've done things
I still do things too
To settle scores
Old and new
It's the way I'm programmed
It's what I know
You do your best
But your best won't

Never by intention
But I can't control my heart
I won't feign my affection
It's just the way it falls apart
And how you get the worst of me
Every single time
The feeling that I messed up
Always follows close behind

How now you're more important
Than my own dreams
How now we can't escape
Though we play on different teams
The way you follow me
And the way you don't
How my heart does its best
But its best won't

It's in the way the moon
Grows brighter every night
How you didn't stay
But my heart is still tight
If I'm supposed to live for you
What will happen when you leave
This isn't the best
So the best won't

It's this unconscious state of mind
That wants this to fall apart
It's the way you'll never find
The truth behind my weak heart
How I'm sabotaging what we've made
Settling scores and debts unpaid
The best is something I won't know
We do our best but our best won't

day seventeen

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

i wouldn't say something has made a huge impact on my life recently
more like someone

i have recently become really close to a long time friend (almost 8 years)
someone i met in grade 9, back in art class when i thought she was a troublemaker and she thought i was a goodie good
we became friends more so in grade 10 when we essentially knew the same people and went to similar gatherings and hangouts
we didn't have many classes together now that i think of it
in grade 12, she became my pet rock while i became her pet monster
i still remember writing her a poem about her being MPR that hung in her locker
eventually she became my boo boo kitty fuck and hetero lifemate after a realization of how we both love kevin smith and jason mewes
summers and weekends were not often spent together when we were in high school
our group of friends was rather segregated and split
we both attended prom together and graduated together
i still remember how pretty she looked on prom and how jealous i was of her hair (side curly pony!)
we went to a (then) friends cottage and drank ice caps
had park dates and watched movies
when i left for university, in first year, contact was slim to none
but it returned once i went back home
since second year, while at school, we talked quite often
about school, gossip, movies and work
just normal stuff
when i was home, we went to movies, out for coffee (i drink tea) and park dates
we'd talk about how we both wished we could hang out

we had a friendship of course
but there was always something blocked

when i was home for thanksgiving this past october
my friends and i spent an awesome day (by day i mean from like 1 pm - 1am) picking apples, laughing and making pie.
it was probably the best day i've had in a while
it was full of memories and great people
that night (or the next night, i can't remember) we had a heart to heart
about boys, our families and life in general
shes always been so honest but im not
i have a problem in trusting people
ive come to describe it as: ive built walls with a moat surrounding them, filled with hungry crocodiles
that night, the crocodiles were no longer hungry and scurried off to some other moat, the moat dried up and the walls came crashing down
with this, a new type of friendship was created
one with common understanding and a place where i was respected, listened to and understood
we found in each other someone to confide in
someone to listen and rant to but more importantly understand
a safe place was created where dreams, realities and hopes could be shared
fears, wants and realizations were welcome
where the past and present were discussed critically, understandably and as a something that is and will always be apart of us
we found common ground

it truly is remarkable to be able to be yourself
to be mad at things, hate things, feel things and laugh at things with no judgment
to talk about the past with someone who can understand your pain, confusion and assessments
to have someone really understand where you've come from and where you are going

i am thankful for everything this person has and will ever do for me
she is an amazing individual who has overcome tremendous struggles
she is smart, funny and strong
she is my pet rock, my boo boo kitty fuck, hetero life mate and monogabee
love you snoogs <3

insert cheesy quote here!
"Each friend represents a world in us,
a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

twenty four days until we are reunited snoogs

ray charles

Arggghh

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

BROKEN BIG TOE

Bahahahahaha! Sorry if the picture is disgusting, but this mother fucker is ruining my life right now. The toe is healing well, the swelling is a lot less and the bruising is almost gone now. But i somehow managed to hurt the area around my middle toe...i looked it up online, i think it's called "Metatarsalgia." That's when you get pain in the ball of your foot, under your toes...i think what i did was i stressed the metatarsal bone and nerves around my middle toe because i've been putting pressure on the good side of my foot when i walk. So now it hurts so much to walk! I went to the fracture doctor yesterday and there's nothing he can do, i don't even think he believed how much it hurt. But i'm missing my creative writing class this afternoon because it hurts so fucking much to walk. I've been icing it and taking advil, and I'm going to force myself to go to my class tonight though.

I am seriously so pissed at my foot right now. I can deal with a broken toe and wearing the stupid aircast boot, but this other pain that's happening is ridiculous.

And thanks to Ray Charles for reminding me how much i love The Moffatts hahaha.

+ Lorlie

day sixteen

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

lots of people inspire me.

my mom inspires me to be strong and confident and carry on.

my friends inspire me with their wisdom and honesty and laughter.

my brothers inspire me to keep going and to believe in myself, work hard and laugh harder.

i am inspired by the bands who challenge the system and say the things i feel but can't put into words - randy, propagandhi, bad religion, nofx, against me!, weakerthans, international noise conspiracy, the clash, immortal technique, dead kennedys just to name a bunch

i am inspired by many great thinkers - marx, chomsky, said, de bouvoir, gramsci, raymond williams, bannerji, david theo goldberg, bell hooks and many, many more

i am inspired by the natives who fight for their rightful claims, the african canadians and americans who fight for change and by the women who fight for equality.

i am inspired by the men and women who everyday try to provide their children the best lives they can when their life is no where near good.

i am inspired by the individuals who still go on despite the ridicule and harassment because of their beliefs and sexuality.

i am inspired by those who stand up for what they believe in and protest in the name of their beliefs.

i am inspired by those who have faced pain and who have passed it and come out on top.

i am inspired by those who work to provide a better life for the unfortunate.

i am inspired by kids like me who are better than their parents and have become strong and are by no means just another statistic.


our world is pretty inspirational
you just have to want to see it

ray charles

Broken Bones and Inspiration

Mother fucker. Why does my broken toe foot hate me?? I woke up this morning in pain, but it wasn't the broken big toe that hurt. It was the other toes! My middle toe espaecilly. WTF?! I can barely walk on it because it hurts so much. It's like the undernearth part of your foot where the toes meet, the "ball" of you foot or whatever. So i don't even think i can go to class tonight :( and tonight's class was on the NDP! Ballsssssss! I already know a lot about the CCF-NDP history, but i still wanted to be there. Plus i hate missing class since i've already missed a lot the past two weeks. Ughhhhh. Anyways...

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

So, i've never put much thought into thinking about who inspires me. I guess my favourite artists such as Dallas Green and Taylor Swift make me want to be a better writer and lyricist, and make me want to come up with better songs. I know their songs definately inspire me.

My friends also inspire me, seeing how much they accomplish and all the amazing things they do. Like back in highschool in the Wolrd Issues Club, we did a lot of great work. Ray Charles is the best though, she just wants to make the world better for everyone.

I have a poster from the NDP in my room I got at a Kyoto rally four years ago. It's bright green with orange writing, and says "All it takes is political will" and underneath it says "Jack Layton NDP." Jack is definately amazing. He was a professor, then a Toronto City Councillor, and then became NDP leader even after failing to get a seat in Parliament in the 1990's. He just battled cancer and won. He is a social democrat who is fighting for the workng class, the environment, families, and pretty much all of Canada. As an aspiring politician, Jack Layton has inspired me these past few years.

Before I die

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Well, there are a lot of things I want to do before I die. I know I want to travel since I rarely go anywhere. I've always wanted to visit Japan! I want to go to Tokyo and take in the city and then visit some Shinto shrines and historical places. I would love to go to Sicily/Italy and Finland, since my family is from those areas. And I want to do an across Canada trip, and see an NHL game in each city with a team.

I would love to meet the Toronto Maple Leafs! I know it's a different team than a few years ago that I grew attached to, but I still love these guys. It would be amazing if I could play hockey with them for fun lol.

And I'll get really lame and girly for a moment and say I want to meet my "true love" before I die lol. I know he's out there somewhere, but waiting for my poptart to toast is taking forever! (Ray Charles will get that reference lol).

And finally, I want to bring my songs to life before I die. I don't know how to play music, I'm awful actually. But I know how my songs sound and I can sing them (I'm a pretty awful singer too though lol). I just want the chance to perform them and have people listen to them.

Anyways, those are things I will probably never do before I die, but they're nice to think about. Now I will attempt to work on my essays!

+ Lorelie

day fifteen

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

i have a few

steve yzerman is my favourite hockey player of all time
so before i die id like to see my favourite team, the detroit red wings in action!


id also like to travel EVERYWHERE.
id like to for sure go back to italy, go to sweden and russia


id want to go scuba diving one day. it would be so fun!!!



twenty six days!!!!!!
until tomorrow
ray charles