I’m always coughing up my heart in front of you
It’s now become an unmanageable reflex
I’m choking and I can’t breathe and my trachea is swelling
My airways are contracting and filling with something that shouldn’t be there
And as soon as I see you my heart is melting and clawing its way back up
Scraping my vocal chords so I can no longer speak
Leaving me breathless and voiceless and heartless all at the same time
Completely at your mercy I place it on a silver platter and lay it at your feet
And I have no control over my own body anymore
As I just stand there in silence like a fool
Watching you stomp all over my heart
Unable to even mouth the words now scattered throughout my mind
And as you walk away you leave warm red footprints behind you
Traces that lead back to the person you’re unaware you’re holding hostage
Then once you’re out of sight I race to find that weak organ that keeps escaping
And then I struggle to shove it back down my throat
But I can’t stop coughing; it’s like it knows it doesn’t belong in me
It’s so weak that it knows it needs a new owner
An owner who won’t give it up to someone who doesn’t acknowledge it
Someone who has tougher skin and stronger ribs
Whose dreams are not impractical but rather simply safe
Because what heart wants to be trapped in a body
That can’t protect it and keeps sending it out into the line of fire
And instead when something good and real does come along
I am able to hold my breath for once and I continue to dream
Holding back from truly letting it beat and belong
Because I know I’d rather be coughing up organs
Than settling for someone who can’t control my heartbeat
+ Lorelie
Inspired by the song "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owens Young.
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