productive?

today should be productive
hahaha
but its not
i wrote an exam this morning
it went pretty well
two more!
yippeeeee
i was suppose to read over my notes for my two exams
but i started looking at my french ones
and are there are so many that i don't even want to bother
native is on wednesday and french thursday
and then i am getting my hair did after my exam on thursday
SO EXCITED!
chopping the beast off!
the need/want/love/obsession with cutting my hair has come pretty much from my hair being super long and i decided to make a drastic change after finding out some heart breaking news.
apparently that is a normal thing to do when someone finds shiznat like that out.
anyways, so excited.
ps. lorelie, i will skype so you don't have to wait 4 days to see it upon my return to gotham =]

so the weekend
not a disaster
but not the best either
it was so hard
i'm not sure how i am going to survive this summer.
lorelie, that's an in person convo only because you know me well enough that verbalizing my feelings is hard but using technological communication devices is even harder ie. msn and texting.
so we shall talk, don't you worry.
on another note
with this whole thing happening, of course i'm questioning the future.
of course i am questioning the time wasted (john lennon said "time you enjoy wasting was not wasted," but at this point mr lennon, i'd disagree).
of course i am questioning our time together and moments and such.
in all of this, i am even more confused about how i will go on just being his friend.
we are close, we see each other a lot and have similar personalities that click very well together.
he's the type of guy, hands down, no question about it, that i like.
its weird, in all of this i found who i like i suppose.
moral of the story, its made me question things and myself and how things will turn out.
re-evaluation i suppose.

on a similar note, i just saw one of the dumbest things on facebook i've seen in a while.
some girls photo album name is 'you're nobody till somebody loves you.'
seeing this, and thinking how ridiculous of an idea it was, i googled it.
its a song!
pretty sure i knew it but still.

here are the lyrics:
Dean Martin - You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you
You're nobody 'til somebody cares.
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold,
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody to love.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, find yourself somebody,
Find yourself somebody to love.
(http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/swingers/yourenobodytillsomebodylovesyou.htm)
(yes it is about being more than just rich and famous in life and finding true happiness with love and such, which is the intention of the artist/writer. i'm focusing more on the idea of the title)

here's my take on this song which not only is a song, but it is a cultural norm, especially for females. it also have cultural and societal implications for male and female relations and gendered norms. its bullshit! not only does it normalize and perpetuate the assumption that you can't be happy unless you are in love and loved by someone meaning you are accepted by someone else, it sets people up for failure and a life of looking for someone rather than looking for yourself and finding who you are, what you are good at and what you like.
i'm not against love - don't get me wrong. i'd like to loved just as any other human being would love to have an emotional and intimate relationship, but to say i'm nothing without someone to love me? what, my ideas, my values, my mind, my thoughts and my knowledge do not define who i am? why do i need to be defined or in the case of the song, become a someone rather than a nobody when someone loves me? why is there a need for individuals to become defined in terms of someone else and their relationship with someone else (mainly females to boot)?
i am somebody. i am a beautiful individual with talents, with thoughts, with opinions and with strange habits, a good sense of humour and a brain. and love, as in intimate, emotional partnership love? not at this moment, but that does not mean i am nobody. when (and if) that happens, that person will compliment me. bring things into my life. but never define me or all of sudden, miraculously make me, who was once a nobody, into a somebody.
moral of the story? define yourself. be who you are and let yourself be that. know that you are distinctly beautiful and claim who you are. and most of all, be proud of that.
love compliments you. not creates you.
rant over? yes.
muhaha.

wrote my soc of gender this morning, and this, along with internalized racism, hegemonic masculinity, emphasized femininity, language of sex, racialized gendered discourse, gender biased language and masculinity and sex, is what we grappled with and was tested on today.
just gives you something to think about and consider about the world and society in which we reside.

now i need to decide what to do with my time. i could read over my native
OR
watch a movie and sleep.

i vote second option.

peace
raycharles ☮