one moment

it truly is amazing how many times i have gone over it in my head

even tonight. i rolled over and picked up my laptop to write this post.

and how i have re-thought every word, every action and every feeling that was felt that day

it was about three weeks ago that one of the most traumatizing days in my recent life occurred

and since that day, the replay button has been stuck

i think about it often when i am trying to fall asleep

for the first week, it was the first thing i saw when i closed my eyes and i would often just open them to escape thinking about it

i think about it on the way to work when i'm sitting in the back seat of the car, listening to music

while my mom and younger brother are completely unaware of the thoughts going through my head

i sometimes think about it when i'm alone, but not so often as i have found ways to keep my mind and hands busy

i recently told my younger brother that its on replay and that there are so many things i wish i could have said and so many things i wish i could have done

things i wish my brother would have done - wished anyone would have done

when i talk about, i get a lump in my throat and feel as though i am going to cry.

its been years since i felt the way i did that day and its been years since i felt the way i do since it happened

probably about 10 years actually

when he came to my school when i was in grade 7 and sat in his car in the medical building beside my school hoping to catch a glimpse of my younger brother or myself. i remember the feeling i had when i found out he was there - our morning started off normal accept for the phone call from my principal, followed by one from my mother explaining to me that he was there and that he had talked to little kids and even ended up in the school somehow. i felt sick to my stomach, an overbearing feeling of panic, fear and anxiety. i was embarrassed, scared, mad, upset and helpless. i was paranoid, as i had always been. i felt like i was 7 again.

other events had occurred since i was 12 but they have only happened in the last 4 years and only one involved me. first, my older brother received an email from my cousin saying how they want us in the family. this was followed by a plea from his girlfriend about how she was adopted and would give anything to see her real parents. when i was in first year, i received a package in the mail from him from somewhere in florida - i threw it out. two summers ago he called my house asking to speak to my younger brother, offering him money to help pay for our trip to italy. finally, last year he showed up at buddhas hockey games and spoke to him, saying sorry and that he loves him. the weirdest part was that he was at a game i was at but my brain shut off or something. since then he has been spotted at several hockey and inline games.

three weeks ago, it all came to a screeching halt. life was good - the sun was shinning, i was very tired but excited for the day and i received a text from a friend telling me she was engaged. i was in a tired-happy mood- the night before was lorelies party and i had fun. we arrived at the arena and my older brother had just gotten there, a little family reunion took place as dano and i talked about grad school stuff and his research. it was all ruined in a moments time. he came into the building with his girlfriend and that was it. i was the only one who saw but i was in so much shock that i couldn't even speak. the day was shot. it was over. i felt everything that had disappeared for all those years - i felt a lump in my throat and a knot in my tummy. i was ready to burst into tears at any moment. my hands started shaking and my mind became jumbled. the anxiety, the fear and the helpless feeling came back. this man - this evil, selfish, monster was in the same building as me and i felt like i was 7 all over again.

sitting in my room almost three weeks later, i can still feel it. i can feel my heart racing and my mind going blank. i can feel my eyes start to swell with water and i can feel my legs wanting to run. i can feel myself wanting to hide and get away. its still there.

the entire day i was on edge. i could cry at any moment. i was frustrated beyond belief at the situation and at myself. i did not want to let it bother me and i wanted to be able to use my words to tell him to leave, to die in a hole, to give up. he has always made me feel so powerless, so helpless and unable to speak. i felt like i was 7.

its not worth going over the details of the day really as those who will read this know what happened. but in short, he was trying to take pictures of me and possibly dano. eventually he did talk to me - told me he loved me and would do anything for me. he actually started the conversation as "hey ray charles, how's it going?" i wonder how many times he's rehearsed that over the last 15 years. i sure as hell have rehearsed. i told him not to talk to me, that he should leave and that what he is saying to me is bullshit. he then told me i had attitude, so i asked him how his pension was. proud? fuck i am so proud of myself. i do wish i could have said more though but i'm glad i did speak. i had a nice little cry after that once i went back to the safety of my mom, it felt good to cry.

so the replay button, why are you so stuck? i haven't spoken to him willingly in 15 years and it was the scariest moments i've had in a long time. when he started to come around to buddhas games, he used to tell me how he's just a man, he can't do anything to me anymore if i don't let him. i believed him until that day. he is just a person, he really is. in reality, looking at him, he's not scary looking, he doesn't look evil but man is he ever a life ruiner. as much as i'd like for him to say "hey ray charles how's it going?" and for me to confidently say "oh fuck off" and forget about it, i can't. this man is responsible for so much shit in my life and does not deserve to ever walk by me, to watch buddha play, to look me in the eyes, to listen to me speak words that he did not teach me, see how i have grown, hear me laugh, see how tall buddha is etc etc etc. none of it. he walked away from it all and fuck him, get out of my life. get out of danos life, get out of buddhas life you selfish motherfucker.

on replay, to be honest, i sometimes have buddha come off the floor and yell at him and possibly punch him in the face. that would be the day. after it happened, before i cried i remember telling my mom i want him to get hit by a bus and that he's a douchnozzle. douchenozzle is my new word, i pass it on for all those to use now.

just another day ruined really. plus that hot guy was there and he kept looking at me again. i was to emotional and out of it to do anything about it. not saying i normally would but in those circumstances it was even more impossible.

ive been waiting my whole life for this to disappear and everyday i am reminded that it will never go away

ray charles