You Must Follow Your Heart

Day 26 - Ask each other a question, it can be anything!

Ray Charles asked me: Which moment would you go back to and what would you change? Why?

I've been thinking about this since Ray Charles asked me last night. I don't really believe in having regrets, because at the time it was exactly what you wanted. I know there are certain moments, either embarrassing or painful, that I would change if I could, but than I wouldn't be who I am today. I also know at the time of certain moments, my actions or what I said was exactly what I wanted, and things usually happen for a reason.

The only regret I truly have has to do with my friend (her nickname was bubble gum because she always used to cling to my arm at recess when we were little) who passed away in November 2007. I grew up with her and she was one of my best friends. When she started highschool (a different one than mine) we sort of stopped seeing each other except on birthdays or the occasional holiday, and we didn't really talk too much. She began hanging out with some "bad kids," got involved with the wrong crowd, did some things any parent wouldn't want their kid to do, you get the idea. I remember telling my mom something like, "Tell her to come hang out with me and I'll set her straight." I always thought that maybe she just needed other friends who didn't do "bad things" and maybe I could get through to her somehow. But I never made a real effort. One time I went over to her house with my mom, and when we got there we found out she had run away from home that day. Fortunately she came back, but I think I was just over everything at that point and kind of gave up on her.

By the time I was finishing highschool, she had sort of changed and was trying to do better. I remember I would see her some times on the bus coming home from school, and we would always talk til I reached my stop and got off. I will always remember what I'm pretty sure was the last time I saw her and talked to her. It was on the bus home from school at the end of the year, so it was May or June. And I keep thinking why didn't I just go and hang out with her that day? Why did I just go home?

I don't think I saw her that summer. She would usually come by for my birthday, and I was graduating highschool then too. I'm pretty sure her mom came by my house in June to drop off a gift, but I don't think I saw my friend. Then I started first year of university and was caught up in my own life. I remember the night I found out she died, the phone rang around midnight, and when the phone rings that late you know it's something bad. I just remember my mom telling me to come to her room and she was saying my friend's name. I didn't really absorb it or except it that night, it was just all so strange. I remember the next few days some old friends were calling me asking me what happened, and we went to her funeral and everything...I didn't even know what to feel or how to feel, nothing. The only death I ever dealt with was my grandpa when I was thirteen, and I don't think I really fully understood or thought about how bad it was back then. But back in 2007 I was eighteen and it was surreal.

I wrote kind of a letter to her on facebook a year later. It was sort of like me finally letting out how I felt and everything. It was good to get it out. I still regret not talking to her or going to see her before she died. It's something that will probably always linger in my mind. I know it's changed who I am today, and I like to think I've become a better friend because of it. I know she would be happy to know how much I care about her and her family, and that I do really miss her. Sometimes I wish I could talk to her again, and just tell her things. I have old notes and photos and things she gave me. I have a photo from my 12th birthday party with her and some other friends in my room, and it's one of my favourite photos ever. I don't know if we'd be best friends today, maybe we would have become too different or something. But I will always have memories of the things we did, like the best sleepovers I ever had as a kid were at her house for her birthdays.

I wrote a song in October 2008, here's one of the verses:

"And you look at that old photo
The one with the face you’re afraid you’ll forget
The last time you saw her was on a city bus
And that just might be your biggest regret"

I will always regret getting off the bus.

+ Lorelie