Can't let your cold heart be free when you act like you've got an ocd

Day 23 – Something irrational that you think or do

This is sort of a difficult question for me, because there are many irrational things I do. I was comtemplating how honest I wanted to be and how personal I wanted to get with my answer. I think it's safe to get somewhat personal, since I like to keep a lot of things private, and I don't want to totally freak out anyone who reads this lol. Ok, so I do irrational things every day, typically when I'm by myself. This is because I am obsessive compulsive. I guess I diagnosed myself last year, but it's something I started looking into four years ago. I knew something was off, even when I was a kid, and now I'm pretty certain I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts (the “obsessions”) that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, worry and anxiety. Repetitive behaviours or other compulsive behaviours (the “compulsions”) are done as a means of reducing the anxiety. Checking, counting and repeating are textbook examples of OCD. It is common for a person with OCD to think if they don't do something the right number of times, something "bad" will happen to them or someone close to them. Even though this is totally untrue, the person believes it and it drives them to perform the "ritual" or compulsion because they feel they have to do it in order to keep something bad from happening.

It’s weird talking about it, but it’s also good to inform people and not keep it a secret. I do things like counting a lot. I have other strange compulsions, like how things need to be in their “proper” place or even or lined up properly. It’s not just about neatness though, which is a common misperception. When something is out of place, it just feels wrong and bothers me. For example, I have to line up the coasters on my coffee table, and that bugs my mom so she will mess them up on purpose. I hate when she does that, it makes me feel anxious for lack of a better word. Another thing is when the bowls in my cabinet are not in correct order. We have two green bowls and two red bowls, and they should always be stacked with the colours together. So when I open the cabinet and see a green bowl on top of a red bowl with a green bowl on the bottom, I literally have this feeling of anxiousness rush over me and I HAVE to fix the bowls. Something as simple as setting the table takes longer for me because everything has to be perfect and even, and the forks and knives need to be set down in order one at a time from right to left. I am obsessed with how things are hung in my closet, everything needs to be facing the right side. Same with money in my wallet.

I have many more OCD things, but these are some of the main ones that are easy to understand. Some I probably don’t even realize I’m doing. I’m getting better though. Once I realized what it was and why I do it, I learned to tell myself not to listen to that voice in my head and that it doesn’t matter if the knife gets put down before the fork. You just can’t let it get to you and make you believe things that aren’t real. I know I sound crazy, maybe I am, but apparently a lot of people have OCD.

I also do some other irrational things, but I'm dealing with those too.


Now to get less serious, I was on Toronto Island today for my friend's birthday and it was so much fun! It was such a beautiful day and we built a fire on the beach at night. I'm considering going their for my birthday in June. I also have a job interview tomorrow ahhhhh! Hopefully it goes well.

+ Lorelie