Please just let me let this go

Day 22 - Catharsis time — let something or someone go

I too have issues letting go of my stuffed animals, old toys and old clothes (maybe that's why I cried during Toy Story 3 lol). Anyway, every few years I packed up more stuffed animals and put them in my basement...all my beanie babies are down there. I only have about ten stuffed animals on my desk shelf now. I also have a bunch of old clothes in a box in my closet, and probably more my mom has kept in the basement. I get sentimental about certain things, everything has meaning and memories attached.

I also keep old birthday and Christmas cards, movie tickets, notes, drawings, everything. I have like three boxes full of stuff I've kept since grade eight. I have an old notebook from my 12th birthday me and my friends used to write in...it has a lot of meaning and I will never get rid of it.

I don't let go of old memories, old friends, lots of things. But I guess that makes me who I am. Maybe the best way to explain it is through some of my old lyrics and lines I've written. Blah this may get kinda personal if you can decipher my words, Ray Charles will probably understand.

"So for once in my life, let me let this go,
Because I know how perfectly incapable I am of letting go." (Written July 2007)


Below is a song written from December 2007 - February 2008:

I hate this feeling
It confines and binds
Takes over and finds
My weaknesses, my heart
Controls emotions in every part

So goodbye to this feeling
It never meant that much anyway
Goodbye to this feeling
I’ll forget it in a day
Goodbye to this feeling
I still feel it though
Goodbye to this feeling
If I could just let it go

If he was truly happy when he left
Then I guess it was for the best
But if I’m so terribly unhappy today
Why did I let his decision get in my way

They say there is more in this world than what he gave you
And that it’s about time I let go of what he put me through
But I haven’t felt anything worse than what he made me feel
I hope today’s the day that I move on and heal

Let go, leave it in the past
Purge your heart and mind of him at last
But this is who I am, and this is what I do
This is how I deal with what you put me through

So goodbye to this feeling
It never meant that much anyway
Goodbye to this feeling
I’ll forget it in a day
Goodbye to this feeling
I still feel it though
Goodbye to this feeling
If I could just let it go


The two verses below are from the same piece of prose I wrote in October 2009:

"I have problems with the past
The first step is admitting it
I know I’ve never denied it, but I’ve never really accepted it either, until now
I moved on, so I thought, but haunting me is its specialty
It’s still here, seeping into my veins, corroding my liver, exhausting my heart
And I know how perfectly incapable I am of letting go
Because I don’t hold grudges, but I don’t forget
Because I keep everything in boxes and in books buried in my walls
Every ticket to every movie I’ve ever seen
Every note from every person I’ve ever cared about
Every horrible limerick to every song I’ve ever written
And how, years later, I can’t erase you from my mind or from my life"

"I still have problems with the past
Because it always comes back to the past
I’m waiting on an epiphany, a revolution, an awakening
Of some sort to snap me out of this cyclical rendezvous with you"


Ok, so basically, I don't let things go. Maybe I should. It doesn't seem worth it to hold on to certain things or certain people anymore. I'll always keep my old stuffed animals, and my notebooks and songs, and I never want to lose any of my best friends. But I've tried forcing myself to let go of something/someone before, and it never seems to work. Maybe I just really need to believe it this time. No more dead ends.

+ Lorelie