Ok, so this one required some research. I couldn’t think of any “insecurities” so I decided to look up some information. Not that I don’t have problems or issues or anything, because trust me I do. Just the term “insecurity” could mean different things, and the things wrong with me I wouldn’t consider insecurities lol.
1) Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.
Hmmm. I do get nervous sometimes, like when I’m in a new class with new people. But I usually make friends and become more comfortable. I don’t feel unloved, inadequate or worthless beyond the moments where I sometimes let things get to me and everything snowballs into me feeling depressed like crap – but that doesn’t happen often. So I don’t think this exactly applies to me.
2) As insecurity can be distressing and feel threatening to the psyche, it can often be accompanied by a controlling personality type or avoidance, as psychological defence mechanisms.
Controlling personality type = you like to control things. I know I’m kind of a control freak. I like to plan and organize everything, even something as simple as going to the movies. I just need to know EXACTLY what is going on. I have certain ways of doing things too (like how I hang my clothes in my closet, or how I keep my cash tray at work, etc) and I feel the need to change things done by other people if it’s different. But I’m sure other people act that way and I think most of that has to do with my obsessive compulsiveness lol.
Next would be “avoidance,” I don’t avoid situations or social environments because I feel socially inept or whatever, so this one doesn’t apply to me. I think I fit the norm where I don’t socialize with people on the go bus because I like my space, but I will talk to people in class and at parties lol.
So I’m back to feeling confused again...I’m not saying I don’t have insecurities, but I think mine are not the typical psychological kind. I feel insecure sometimes when I don’t feel smart enough or good enough, like when I’m with certain people from certain classes or certain clubs at university. I also feel insecure sometimes when I feel like all my friends are doing things without me or I feel left out – this one is probably my biggest insecurity. But I know my friends love me and I just make myself feel that way. I’m insecure about the way I look I suppose, I am a bit vain. I won’t go to school or work without make up on my face and my hair done. I’m always looking at my reflection in mirrors or windows. But again, I’m vain and think I’m pretty so I don’t know if I’m insecure about it in the typical way.
The more I think about it more, I’ve come t realize I may have another insecurity...I don’t know if it’s an insecurity, but I’ll put it anyways. It’s not that I don’t trust people, I just like to keep certain things private. I don’t know why. They say insecurities and all this psychological stuff relates to our childhood, but my childhood was alright, nothing eventful really happened. I was a weird kid sometimes...I also had to make sure I got amazing grades and made sure everyone knew how smart I was so they would come to me for help. But nothing from back then really explains my insecurity or inability to trust people.
I trust people to a certain degree. I trust my family and my best friends enough to tell them most things about my life or school or other things. But it’s the things I’ve never told anyone that bother me. Like, I never told my mom or family about the guys I dated in highschool...I've told her about them now that I'm in university and she got mad that I never told her before lol. I also keep my writing a secret from almost everyone. Even more, I’ve never had a successful relationship, and the one that appeared to be doing well was such a sham. In the end he realized I wasn’t telling him everything (he told me this), and he knew things weren’t right. I would never hold his hand, I hated public displays of affection, I never made the first move, I never told him things I’ve always wanted to tell someone who cared about me... maybe it’s because he wasn’t the right guy, or maybe it’s because I was too damaged from a previous relationship (which wasn’t really a relationship, but more of five years of bullshit). Maybe it’s just me being me and keeping these secrets and memories dead and buried. But they always attempt to resurrect themselves...like when my mind isn’t sober. I’ve written a lot of poetry, lyrics and prose about this issue. I just need someone who will stick around long enough to make my walls crumble and slaughter my armies (I found it funny reading about Ray Charles’ moat with crocodiles metaphor, because I also have my own).
Alright, this is ridiculously long. I’ll end it here with some selected lines of pieces that deal with this issue of mine...each separate verse is from a different poem and it’s kind of randomly put together. Whatever, blah!!
You’re not allowed to touch those memories
They’ve been buried there to decompose
Barricaded and hidden
Paralyzed I suppose
Aged through time maybe they will eventually become sweet
But until then they’re memories you’ll never meet
I’ve put up walls and set up armies
Taller than the CN Tower and tougher than your skin
Just get it over with
Make my walls crumble
Slaughter my armies
I wouldn’t hate him, I’d thank him
Just do it already
Don’t think that I’m not trying
Because I’m doing the best I can for someone like me
But God knows I’m trying. I am
And God knows I want this. I do
I’ve put up walls and set up armies
For him to break down. If he can. I hope he can
And it probably is for the best
And I probably will forget you soon
After all, I spared you from the dirty, bloody, murdered memories wrestling in me
That was my downfall, that I couldn’t let you in
And my innate wanting to settle scores with the past and with you
I’ve got secrets
That I attempted to kill
That I attempted to bury
There are things you shouldn’t know
There are things you won’t know
And then there are these things
These things that scrape, and claw, and scar, and scream
From the inside out
I mourn for them
Because they’re dead to me
These regrets, and lies, and secrets and memories
But they keep coming back
These things you can never meet
Because I know
What you will think
And how you will see me differently
If you ever found out
So let them stay dead
No resurrections tonight
But resurrections are bound to happen
When you don't bury your memories and secrets deep enough
When you are incapable of letting go
And when all the "what ifs" and "could have beens" are bringing shovels
The dead won't stay dead, but then again, you buried them alive
So they're coming back for round two
Ya, they're coming for you
And they're bringing re-enforcements and secret weapon secrets
They're throwing grenades filled with regrets
And shooting memories like bullets
But your trench is your sanctuary
Where you've dug your photos into the walls
And you don't mind the mud or the cold
Because it's better than being out there
+ Lorelie
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